it was this release where not only could I be alone but I could get out all my thoughts, I could cry in my head or scream in frustration without a soul knowing I was bothered unless they read me and then they thought that I was just creative or artistic.
I miss that quiet place where I could be with my thoughts, where I could have the privacy of my thoughts, the privacy to feel whatever it is that I’m feeling without the judgement of others.
a few days ago I was thinking how I longed to write and to have that time and then it hit me today that I don’t really miss that kind of writing because that kind of writing usually meant that I had a hurt heart . . . but I miss writing, so yeah it hit me, that my heart is hurt and nothing really gets it out like writing but I really wish that I didn’t want to write right now. or if I did that it was because I was deliriously happy and simply had to find a way to share it with the world, I wish it was that kind of writing that I longed for. it’s not.
it’s been one of those days, scratch that, one of those weeks, hell you better make that a month or so and I can’t take too much more of this and a glass of wine for dinner doesn’t seem to be helping and no matter how much I type away I still feel that feeling inside of me that makes me pour it all out and I really wish that I didn’t want to write right now because I’m sick of feeling this.
but I’m here and ambiguity isn’t cutting it but for some reason I can’t think of a creative way to say what I have to say in such a manner that it will be creative or artistic, such a way that you could read it another way but inside I would know what I really just said and somewhere in your subconscious you would understand it too but would hold on to the other thoughts because they simply sit better with you. so this time I’ll just say it: it’s not my fault that I had the people in my life that I did, well it was my fault to some degree but now that I know better I’ve made some changes and sure I miss the old us but lets be real that us hasn’t existed for a long time now has it, once you embrace that it’s really easy to let it all go because you know that all you’ve been holding on to was an illusion, a childish little girl illusion at that and I’m a grown woman so kid stuff just doesn’t fit me well
I know that I’m down for people and I want people in my life who are down for me / by MY definition. that’s not asking for too much and if it is then I’ll be the first to say that I want more. if this feels personal consider yourself on blast; but chances are it doesn’t because they don’t read me like ya’ll do. I promise that it is my intention to get back to happy blogs, to positive and uplifting blogs about great things and creative things and beautiful things.
I know that writing is a beautiful thing, I really do love it and I sincerely feel that I have a gift. it’s true that I do miss writing, not necessarily this kind but really it’s my mood that I wish were different; writing is merely the vehicle through which I express myself and right now I just wish I had something different to say.
