for the past year I had been planning on heading east for Memorial day, kinda kicking the summer off the right way; with really good friends laughing uncontrollably about who knows what. it was a great plan, and then I decided to focus on my career and trying to get ahead and that meant lots resources diverted to something a little more serious. hopefully time will prove this to be an investment.
what started it is my lack of stability in what feels like the major aspects of my life; translation men and my career. so when the relationship stuff took a dive I decided to create my own stability by strengthening my career. according to those who work with me and even the way I feel inside on most days, I’ve done a great job and since I know that I’m not done yet it seems that this year will finish with me on top. it was relationship stuff that took me on a road trip last year, a 12 hour run to be with some of my best friends, we vowed to do it again this year. I cannot really begin to 
describe the disappointment that I feel being in my apartment, grilling for the usual suspects. I was supposed to be studying this weekend too but I haven’t, yet.
while I’ve made all kinds of strides in the professional arena it has come at the cost of much additional stress. what I’ve learned is that stress causes my body to create toxins or poisons that cause me to feel physically ill. so even though I have a lot of studying to do, I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed this weekend. normally sleeping the day away just isn’t my thing, in fact I can’t do it. I can’t just be in bed because I won’t sleep and I won’t feel right knowing that things are not being done. so for this to work out it must be what I need most. on a side note I have researched things to improve memory and being well rested is one of the top things so this will assist in my efforts.
there’s been a lot of thought about where I’d like to move to, that’s if I still want to leave Chicago, it’s still the same list that it was a year ago. good news is that all the cities on my list seem to be rated as good places to live, so if the plan goes it course I’m not behind the curve. the whole planning thing is kinda new to me. it’s really not; but then it is. I tend to be more reactive than proactive and while I do a pretty good job with what life brings my way as of late I wonder what it would be like to get what I want. that means taking responsibility for what is in my life but hell I’m responsible for so much already so what would be the difference.
case in point, my habit has been to think about what kind of man I would be good for. I’m not planning on putting those thoughts out of my head but what about thinking about what kind of man would be good for me?? I’m thinking that’s whats up. knowing me the way I do it seems that if I make efforts to see me needs being met I know that I’ll naturally bend over backwards to meet my partners needs and that seems to equal a pretty good union.
it’s been a quiet weekend. no gatherings of groups, only dancing while cleaning this morning and laughing with my girls. I took care of a lot of errands and I cooked every day which feels so much better than going to get stuff, I haven’t studied because my mind just hasn’t been in it; but I think that I may be on to a path of internal healing. I’m still craving stability. as much as my oh so independent life sometime intimidates the hell out of me I can’t really see having it any other way, so I also spent a little time being thankful for all the people who spent a part of their life working to keep mine this way. to all those men & women I say thank you, I swear I’m really trying to do you all proud with how I use this privilege that you’ve afforded me.
